I don’t know, post title.

It’s been a year since I’ve felt the urge to post anything. I remember the reason I started blogging. It was suggested to create a “social media” outlet, mostly to cope with the really, really crappy situation of losing my job in Japan, my engagement, and not going to school. Basically, doing nothing and going nowhere. I feel like once again, that feeling is creeping up on me. Which is odd, because I have a lot going on for me. More than I can handle, in fact. So, I’m confused as to why I have been feeling so down. In an effort to try to reason it out, I figured maybe writing once again could help edge out the reason as to why.

I feel like a lot is expected from me from a lot of people. I’m good at most things, which isn’t saying much because nowadays, people are great at everything. So, being good at things is synonymous to being great at nothing, which still means, I’m not good at anything. Still, I think the way I wear myself around people leads them to believe I have much more going on for me than I actually do. Or maybe, it’s that I expect a lot more out of myself than Im capable of, and I’m slowly realizing it.

 

One recurring theme recently from friends, new and old, is why I’m not taking the team I started last year, and doing more with it, namely why AX isn’t on the roster. AX was great, the opportunity fell into my lap and I took it. The problem with me is, I possess all the markings to be in positions to lead just as much as I possess all the qualities to be a terrible team-mate. It’s giving the class clown the ability to be Class President. It’s the recipe for disaster. But, I wanted to give it my all, and I did. I don’t think people realize how much stress it actually put on me.

 

I put together a 15 minute set, alone. For most people familiar with dance, this is 3x longer than is usually expected of a team. In addition, most (I’m kidding, all) teams have a board, and people whose specific job is to take care of the particular jobs held within a team, including finances, creative set ideas, practice times, scheduling, costumes, props, music, choreo, and cleaning. With the exception of people’s costumes and some choreography, I did all of that myself. What’s more, I bent over backwards to accommodate three different practice locations, Chino, Long Beach, and Riverside, which was hell for me on gas, and even worse on days where I’d be in two locations in one day. I built most of the props myself, and went out to purchase them as well. I had to spend my own money to realize my vision, I think I put 1000$ on the endeavor, and to afford that I had to take extra shifts at my already full time job. When it finally came to AX, I not only had to work another job at the convention all week which required 40 hours, it just so happened my on call shift, which would come once every five weeks, fell on the AX week. I had to constantly juggle working the convention, AND take calls from idiotic store employees who didn’t know how to turn on a computer. So yeah…it took a toll. But it was also really worth it. I had a DREAM TEAM of dancers and choreographers, who I couldn’t do it without. But most of all it was fun, and people loved the idea.

Fast forward to now, when people are asking why I’m not doing it again. In the end, I don’t think unless I win the lottery that I could ever afford to sink so much time money and effort for something like that, alone. Tbh, I think a lot of it has to do with me just not asking people for the help when I need it. I’ve been trained since I was young, to be self sufficient. I’m only now seeing the real advantage of having help from others when necessary. But it does affect me, when people call me rude or a sellout, when I’ve decided to perform with a different team this year and not do it again. But how could I not? They are my equal or superior when it comes to creative ideas, dancing, and are all as die hard as I when it comes to putting their passion to perform. And they offered me the honor to share a part of that with them? To be lucky enough to share the stage with people just like me? Am I really a sell out for wanting that?

 

Jesus. what a qq post! Give me a second while I try to locate my balls since I suddenly appear to not have any. But yes, that does play a big role. I think what also adds to this is the fact that even though I am so busy, I’m still out in the middle of nowhere. So I’m essentially pretty alone still. I can’t just up and plan to go out and be with people. Stupid Gas. Maybe I need to consider moving back out to OC again? Maybe a lot of it has to do with me feeling terrible that, once again, I’m back with my parents. I moved out when I was 18, and any time I have to travel I find myself back with them. But I dont see me traveling again any time soon, so it just feels like I’m one of those deadbeat guys that still live with their parents.

On the one hand though, being back with my parents has been a Godsend. Anyone that knows me knows I’ve had a rough childhood when it concerns me and my parents. Again, I was a kid that thrived on mischief. Being the firstborn son, with all these expectations, and all I wanted to do was see how much I could get away with. With our constant back and forth, It took me yearsss to finally see how much they did, no do, for me. Now that I do, I respect and cherish this time that I do have with them. We work really well together now. Something in all my existence I honestly thought would never happen, sad to say.

Which now that I finally have that down in words, do I wonder if that is the reason. Maybe now that I really see how much they mean, I’m that much more worried about letting them down. And quite frankly, that’s what I am good at. Letting them down. I don’t think I can count anymore how many times they expressed how much I let them down. I see all my other siblings, who all have kids, careers, significant others…and then me. Who has zero of those things. And still manages to be the one to get thrown in jail or whatever trouble I seem to allow to follow me like a shadow.

Maybe it’s time to reevaluate my dreams. The plan was to take what I love to do, what I aspire to do, and dream of doing, and tackle it full force. Which I have, and I’ve felt great. But now, I think it makes others suffer too much in order for me to try these things. I want to say I’m self sufficient, but the reality is that I’m sufficiently letting those around me that I care about down. Maybe instead of working so hard for huge, lofty goals, I should just work toward being content and realistic ones. Conform. Sure, it wouldn’t be what I want in life, but at the same time what I don’t want is to be the one that fails all the time. I mean, there’s no guarantee even that all that I working hard for will be achieved. It might be the better bet to simply go back to some IT job and settle down. Stay below the radar. You can’t get in trouble if you don’t make waves, right?

Bah, I don’t know if this even helped. It was worth a shot, I guess. Let’s just hope this is a hurdle that Ill get over. Or even better, use the skills I honed and learned the mischief and foolery and channel them toward something that I can be proud of. Or find a nice middle ground anyway. Bleh, I never know how to bring these things to a coherent close. I’ll just end with this salad is terrible and I hate eating healthy. Maybe I’ll feel better by going out and eating my troubles away.

 

A Year in the Life of Crazy Ol’ Me.

The guy pictured above (The one in the purple with the baddass Mewtwo fusion shirt)is happiest he’s been in a long time, probably since the wee years of his childhood many, many…..many…years ago. The last year has been a hell of a year, and I’ve learned a lot from it. In my now old age, I’d like to impart some of the wisdom I’ve accrued from the joys, mistakes, and events that have come about this year.

 

Ask a little more why not instead of why.

Being judgemental is one of those things that seem easy, but is unnecessarily difficult. It’s a lot like setting your pants on the stairs and sliding into them feet first as opposed to putting on your pants the old fashioned way. I would look at people and judge them when they had differing views or did things that I didn’t agree with. It meant pushing away people for…well, no real good reason at all. There are tons of things I do that people don’t agree with, and they still overlook these issues to befriend me. It’s been a great thing to learn. Instead of ask why people do a certain thing, I try to ask why not? If it makes them happy, by all means, continue to do that and heck, I’ve even learned something by joining in.

Aspire to inspire.

I’ve seen two ways to go about this: By action and by sharing.

Everyone wants this, but not everyone applies it. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen that picture on Instagram saying they want to inspire people, but who really takes the necessary steps to do so? I’ve been better at trying to stay busy and reach my goals, one day at a time. All the people that inspire me never talked about it, they’ve taken action to have tangible or intellectual results that I would want to emulate myself.

On the other hand, a good friend has mentioned that the most valuable thing she can give someone is time to share experiences with others. I think this is a great way to inspire other since you have one on one time to spend with them. Inspiring is sometimes done best one conversation at a time.

Being happy is a recipe you need to create.

Being genuinely happy has been a fine tuning process. How much work is too much work? How do I go about saving enough money to travel, but not work my life away? How can I juggle work,school, friends, family and still find time for me? It’s taken a lot of trial and error, but I’m starting to find out how I can achieve all of these things. Sometimes, it means sacrificing things I don’t necessarily want to but have to for the time being. There IS a limit to what we can handle, but the great part is that it can change as time goes on. Finding out what’s most important and fun and ensuring I do what it takes to keep those things priorities keeps me feeling accomplished, goal-oriented, and most of all, happy. Make sure to find the recipe that works for you.

There’s no such thing as “I’ll do it later”.

I used to be an avid believer of letting future Caleb worry about things. What happens when I let future Caleb worry about things is he let’s futurer Caleb worry about things. You can see where this is going. If at all possible, no matter how much I don’t want to do something, I don’t let it go on later if I can do it now. You’d be surprised how easy something is to do once you get passed the initially griping and begin. My homework this semester has never been easier to manage. I’m actually seeing progress across the board. The absolute best part about this is that it doesn’t have to be negative. Why wait to buy things when you can now? #retailtherapy. It’s a thing. embrace it both ways and balance it out.

Messing up, and doing it often.

I would do everything and anything to ensure I don’t mess up or look foolish in front of people. If I wasn’t good at something, I wouldn’t try it. That’s the best way to not get anywhere. That’s no fun. I’ve learned a million things this last year just by putting myself in uncomfortable situations. It sucks, but I’m a little bit better. Being alright with not being good at something is still really hard for me to accept, especially when people are so freaking amazing. But, you learn new things, meet new people, and grow from being in these situations. I guess a key factor to being happy (in my opinion) is making sure you have perpetual growth going on. So sorry, future Caleb. You won’t be getting to many request in the near…uhm…present.

Being my weird, socially unacceptable self.

Being me is weird. I like weird things. Things that don’t go hand in hand with each other. Being me is generally regarded as socially unacceptable. So, I used to put up a front, as most of us tend to do. Putting up a front is BORING. Being a workplace employee blows. Being a model citizen sucks. There’s no reason to not be who I am 24/7, and embracing that fact is THE most liberating thing I’ve mentioned here in this post. I like anime. I like cosplaying. I like video games. I like movies. I like pop culture. I like food. I like working out. I like talking crap with coworkers. I like being supportive of people’s lives. I like making money. I like creating. I like reading for pleasure. I like playing board games. I like staying in. I like working out. I like not drinking, and still being just as crazy. I like traveling. I like dancing. I like knowing I need no one to be happy. I like being with people to increase my happiness. I like all of these things and more. But most of all, I can resolutely say, I truthfully like being me. Do whatever it takes, whatever it takes, to like being you. This is the knowledge this old coot can leave with you on this day. Respect your elders (or the ramblings of a young whippersnapper if that doesn’t apply) and let it all sink in.

 

-Ol’ Man Caleb

Create.

Create. Inspire. Invent. Build. This is how I’ve learned to cope with my life so far. I see the world as a blank canvas, just waiting for you to create something. Otherwise, you’re just existing. There are times, of course, when you can just appreciate the works of others, but  don’t let it just stop there. Let it be the fuel to the fire, to give you the need to build upon those creations. A lot of times, I wouldn’t make something simply because I felt that it had already been done before. But when I realized the recipe for innovation is largely taking known ideas and combining them together to make something entirely new…that’s what keeps me afloat.

An important thing to keep in mind is to understand that everyone can’t create. The world needs balance, and it needs those that also are adept at destroying, at breaking. It is tough, because it can be demoralizing. But out of the wreckage and ashes, gives room for something else to shine. Sometimes, it’s important to know that you are the one that is made to destroy. That’s been the hardest thing I’ve had to cope with thus far. No one wants to be the bad guy, and yet, someone has to take that mantle, intentional or not. I can find solace in the fact that I may be paving the way for someone to make something amazing, beautiful, or any other motivational thing out of what I destroy.

For now, though, I’ll try my hand and mind at adding to the pool of those that have started the foundation of creating works and ideas. I hope to soon post those on here to follow.

After watching and catching up to the latest episode of Walking Dead, I am reasonably confident that I would survive under the set circumstances of their universe. I mean, I’m resourceful, quick, and tactical. And, I already avoid people like they were zombies. It would be the other survivors that I’d worry about. Also, how good is Walking Dead? right?

Good vs Evil

“There is no such thing as pure good or pure evil, least of all in people. In the best of us there are thoughts or deeds that are wicked, and in the worst of us, at least some virtue. An adversary is not one who does loathsome acts for their own sake. He always has a reason that to him is justification. My cat eats mice. Does that make him bad? I don’t think so, and the cat doesn’t think so, but I would bet the mice have a different opinion.” — Zedd

I feel as if you have to destroy something, in order to create something beautiful.

Deserve Victory.

Wizard’s Fourth Rule

“There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.”

Wizard’s Fourth Rule

There is an amazing series known as the Sword of Truth novels. In each book of the fantasy series, there is a philosophy in which each book revolves around. What I always loved about these Wizard rules is that they can be applied in every day life.

There are roughly eleven rules to do date, and I’ve always found the rule above one of the hardest to abide by. To sincerely forgive, is a difficult thing to do. I admit more often than not, it’s something I can’t do. I guess I would make a pretty shitty wizard. Recently, I’ve had a tough conversation about the mistakes I’ve made, and the ones that will potentially lie in my future. It’s hard to be exposed like that. It’s hard to discern how reputable my advisor was in the matter as well. You never know if the advice you’re getting is genuine, or experienced, or even benevolent or malicious. So I asked why I should trust the advice, how did I know that this was something to believe? I was told my father would have the answer at 19. I didn’t get it. Until I came across this verse right now, randomly, on my app.

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I feel exactly that. Unrighteous. I think, and I could be wrong… That I can sincerely be forgiven in the eyes of the ones that matter. When it’s too much to bear, when i ache constantly, when i feel trapped, and I have to go back home, I hope that ill truly be forgiven for having to go back. And be welcomed home.

What I learned from Video Games.

Everything I need to know about life, I’ve learned by playing video games. Here are a few games amongst a huge list that I’ve compiled to demonstrate this epiphany.

Mario Kart: It doesn’t matter how badass you are, at whatever you’re doing. Just when you think you’re in first place, a blue turtle shell will come hurtling out of nowhere to unfairly strip you of what you deserved. Sometimes, literally.

Super Smash Bros.: The higher percents you score in life, the easier it is for you to get knocked down. Or, you’re doing completely fine making your way back after being knocked away by life, just to get spiked.

Legend of Zelda: Always, always get new things. Once you do, realize it’s not good enough, and get something better.

Final Fantasy: Nothing really I guess. I just think the clothes and weapons are cool, and should be implemented in real life.

League Of Legends: When working in team environments, it’s best most fun to troll and do whatever the hell you want. You can always start a new game/job/life anyway.

Super Mario Bros.: It doesn’t matter if my job sucks and I become a lowly plumber. As long as I try hard enough, I can find my princess. That, and stomping on things solves all problems.

Tempting Fate

I wonder how much impact fate has on our lives. When I was younger, I used to think about it too. Sometimes, when I would think about it, I would stop whatever I was doing, be as spontaneous as possible by acting like a madman, and feel proud of myself that I eluded fate. Until I wondered if that’s what fate wanted me to do in the first place.

I think that pondering that at a young age really led me to live the way I have thus far. I’m spontaneous, maybe a little too sponataneous, when I feel the fear of monotony creeping in on me. It hits me hardest when things aren’t getting any better without any signal that things are going to get better eventually. For example, I was working at Panasonic for three years, I made good money, had my own house at roughly 22, but I had been working I was hired as a temp and had been working there for so long and there was no sign that it was going to get any better. I was working so often, too, that I would pull 12 hour shifts easily, and still have to be stuck in traffic for two hours son average. I didn’t do anything, So, I made up my mind one day to leave it all. I could’ve handled it better, but I really don’t regret my decision, even now, as I’m saving every nickel just to get by. Not pennies. I don’t consider them real currencies, I know, I really have no grounds right now to be thinking that, but I do, and that’s a whole different rant for another time.

Anyway, I have a theory. I do believe in fate, and I do believe in free will. I feel that fate will present you with the opportunities that your faced with, and it’s up to you to make the choices from then on. Like being dropped off at a crossroads. What I wonder now, is if that isn’t the case, and fate does want a specific course of action to take place, will it direct you back to that path once you make the wrong choice? Is life more like a video game, and we are alotted tokens to continue? Does choosing the wrong path, but doing something right along the way, award you with that credit? It’s wishful thinking, but I like to think so. I do think I’ve made the wrong choices, many times, but down these wrong paths I am still presented with the choices to do right. In my mind’s crossroads, I see the wrong paths as veering left, and the right path on the aptly named other side. If I make enough right choices, I feel that eventually, I can make it to the path that I want to.