It’s been a year since I’ve felt the urge to post anything. I remember the reason I started blogging. It was suggested to create a “social media” outlet, mostly to cope with the really, really crappy situation of losing my job in Japan, my engagement, and not going to school. Basically, doing nothing and going nowhere. I feel like once again, that feeling is creeping up on me. Which is odd, because I have a lot going on for me. More than I can handle, in fact. So, I’m confused as to why I have been feeling so down. In an effort to try to reason it out, I figured maybe writing once again could help edge out the reason as to why.
I feel like a lot is expected from me from a lot of people. I’m good at most things, which isn’t saying much because nowadays, people are great at everything. So, being good at things is synonymous to being great at nothing, which still means, I’m not good at anything. Still, I think the way I wear myself around people leads them to believe I have much more going on for me than I actually do. Or maybe, it’s that I expect a lot more out of myself than Im capable of, and I’m slowly realizing it.
One recurring theme recently from friends, new and old, is why I’m not taking the team I started last year, and doing more with it, namely why AX isn’t on the roster. AX was great, the opportunity fell into my lap and I took it. The problem with me is, I possess all the markings to be in positions to lead just as much as I possess all the qualities to be a terrible team-mate. It’s giving the class clown the ability to be Class President. It’s the recipe for disaster. But, I wanted to give it my all, and I did. I don’t think people realize how much stress it actually put on me.
I put together a 15 minute set, alone. For most people familiar with dance, this is 3x longer than is usually expected of a team. In addition, most (I’m kidding, all) teams have a board, and people whose specific job is to take care of the particular jobs held within a team, including finances, creative set ideas, practice times, scheduling, costumes, props, music, choreo, and cleaning. With the exception of people’s costumes and some choreography, I did all of that myself. What’s more, I bent over backwards to accommodate three different practice locations, Chino, Long Beach, and Riverside, which was hell for me on gas, and even worse on days where I’d be in two locations in one day. I built most of the props myself, and went out to purchase them as well. I had to spend my own money to realize my vision, I think I put 1000$ on the endeavor, and to afford that I had to take extra shifts at my already full time job. When it finally came to AX, I not only had to work another job at the convention all week which required 40 hours, it just so happened my on call shift, which would come once every five weeks, fell on the AX week. I had to constantly juggle working the convention, AND take calls from idiotic store employees who didn’t know how to turn on a computer. So yeah…it took a toll. But it was also really worth it. I had a DREAM TEAM of dancers and choreographers, who I couldn’t do it without. But most of all it was fun, and people loved the idea.
Fast forward to now, when people are asking why I’m not doing it again. In the end, I don’t think unless I win the lottery that I could ever afford to sink so much time money and effort for something like that, alone. Tbh, I think a lot of it has to do with me just not asking people for the help when I need it. I’ve been trained since I was young, to be self sufficient. I’m only now seeing the real advantage of having help from others when necessary. But it does affect me, when people call me rude or a sellout, when I’ve decided to perform with a different team this year and not do it again. But how could I not? They are my equal or superior when it comes to creative ideas, dancing, and are all as die hard as I when it comes to putting their passion to perform. And they offered me the honor to share a part of that with them? To be lucky enough to share the stage with people just like me? Am I really a sell out for wanting that?
Jesus. what a qq post! Give me a second while I try to locate my balls since I suddenly appear to not have any. But yes, that does play a big role. I think what also adds to this is the fact that even though I am so busy, I’m still out in the middle of nowhere. So I’m essentially pretty alone still. I can’t just up and plan to go out and be with people. Stupid Gas. Maybe I need to consider moving back out to OC again? Maybe a lot of it has to do with me feeling terrible that, once again, I’m back with my parents. I moved out when I was 18, and any time I have to travel I find myself back with them. But I dont see me traveling again any time soon, so it just feels like I’m one of those deadbeat guys that still live with their parents.
On the one hand though, being back with my parents has been a Godsend. Anyone that knows me knows I’ve had a rough childhood when it concerns me and my parents. Again, I was a kid that thrived on mischief. Being the firstborn son, with all these expectations, and all I wanted to do was see how much I could get away with. With our constant back and forth, It took me yearsss to finally see how much they did, no do, for me. Now that I do, I respect and cherish this time that I do have with them. We work really well together now. Something in all my existence I honestly thought would never happen, sad to say.
Which now that I finally have that down in words, do I wonder if that is the reason. Maybe now that I really see how much they mean, I’m that much more worried about letting them down. And quite frankly, that’s what I am good at. Letting them down. I don’t think I can count anymore how many times they expressed how much I let them down. I see all my other siblings, who all have kids, careers, significant others…and then me. Who has zero of those things. And still manages to be the one to get thrown in jail or whatever trouble I seem to allow to follow me like a shadow.
Maybe it’s time to reevaluate my dreams. The plan was to take what I love to do, what I aspire to do, and dream of doing, and tackle it full force. Which I have, and I’ve felt great. But now, I think it makes others suffer too much in order for me to try these things. I want to say I’m self sufficient, but the reality is that I’m sufficiently letting those around me that I care about down. Maybe instead of working so hard for huge, lofty goals, I should just work toward being content and realistic ones. Conform. Sure, it wouldn’t be what I want in life, but at the same time what I don’t want is to be the one that fails all the time. I mean, there’s no guarantee even that all that I working hard for will be achieved. It might be the better bet to simply go back to some IT job and settle down. Stay below the radar. You can’t get in trouble if you don’t make waves, right?
Bah, I don’t know if this even helped. It was worth a shot, I guess. Let’s just hope this is a hurdle that Ill get over. Or even better, use the skills I honed and learned the mischief and foolery and channel them toward something that I can be proud of. Or find a nice middle ground anyway. Bleh, I never know how to bring these things to a coherent close. I’ll just end with this salad is terrible and I hate eating healthy. Maybe I’ll feel better by going out and eating my troubles away.